There is always tomorrow

Kelsy just said she wanted to go to bed and it made me want to cry.

In the morning, I'll go to work. And I'll be in a really good mood all day at work. I will smile and have fun and genuinely enjoy everyone and how they contribute to my day. And then I'll get excited about going home to see Kelsy.

Work will usually fly by. Then, I'll get in my car, and drive away from my office, and start to pick apart my day. The conversations I had, my coworkers perceptions of me, my actions- do these people like what I contribute to THEIR day?

And then I'll get home. I will kiss Kelsy and I will love her. And then she will want to watch tv, I will want a beer, we will pet and play with Beauford.

I will think to myself: "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will start writing."

Then I'll go to sleep.

I will wake up, see that I have zero text messages, wonder if people think of me, get ready. Then do you know what I'll do?

I'll leave for work.

Making Progress

Well, It's nearly the end of the first month of the new year, and I've lost 3 pounds. That may no longer be the case though, considering I drunkenly caved last night and got Whataburger. We will see how much that burger added on when I weigh at the gym later. The eating healthy part isn't as hard as the working out part. I told myself I need to workout at least 4 times a week, and so far I haven't done that. One week I worked out twice, and another week I didn't even work out once. This week I've worked out twice and I'm about to go tonight so that will be the closest I get to 4 so far. But hey, progress right?

2012- A Beginning Rather than an End

The headlines crowding newspapers and webpages encouraging people to find out "What will be cheaper in 2012" or "What horoscopes are better in 2012" really don't concern me, but I mention them only to make the point that several people are excited to bring in a new year. Such headlines, Facebook status posts, and general public interest is custom to a new year- especially the new year of 2000. (Does everyone remember counting down the clock on December 31st, 1999, and wondering if there would actually be a January 1st, 2000?) However, there is something about this year that is even more inspiring for me. Yes, the Mayans as well as several Mayan followers believe that the end of the Mayan calendar on December 21st, 2012 will mark the end of the world as we know it. I don't buy into this, as I'm not one for carrying strong beliefs without some solid, ground-breaking, scientific, number-packed evidence. Even though I don't believe that around mid-december we're all going to vanish or fly into the sky or evolve as people (the theories these Mayan-followers have are insurmountable), I do have my own plans, or resolutions, for 2012 that I have more drive and more optimism for than I have had for any other resolution I've ever made. Well, I did make the resolution in 2010 that I would grow my hair out and donate it to Locks of Love, which I'm still working on by the way. I really didn't expect that resolution to take so long, but is growing out hair really that hard of work? For the sole purpose of sticking to one subject, I will just say that no, it is not that hard to grow out hair and now I will lead up to perhaps why my 2012 resolution is more monumental for me than any previous resolution. Let me first tell you what that resolution, or really those resolutions, are. I at first say "resolution" because, while there are in fact 2 ideas, I believe they are extremely related to one another. They are: To lose 50 pounds before January 31st, 2013 (sooner if possible, or course) and To be an overall better person (this includes being nicer to people, being more open to people, and not being so insecure). 

Why are these things related to the extent that I itemize them as one huge obstacle? Well, this seems obvious to me but perhaps it may not be to you, so I'll explain anyway. Weight has always been an issue for me. Even at the age of 18 and weighing 140 pounds and not really being "fat", I felt way too big for comfort. I look back of pictures of me at that weight and that age and that shape, and I can't help but feel so stupid for the thoughts I had about myself at that time. I weigh 50 pounds more than that now. That's right, I weigh 190 pounds. It hurts me to actually publicize that information for all to read. But I need to confront it. I need to confront how unhappy I am with myself and with the "eating disorder" that I really do believe I have. I don't starve myself, obviously, and I don't force myself to throw up after meals. My disorder is more of an addiction, in that I can't say no to certain types of food. Greasy, unhealthy, fattening foods. I crave something and then I can't for the life of me overcome that craving. This has been a huge problem in every diet that I've ever embarked on. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of dreading summer because I'm terrified to be cornered into a situation where I have to wear a bathing suit, because it's better to be the "fun" friend and actually go swimming rather than stay at home because I don't want to be seen without at least a layer of clothing. I'm tired of avoiding pictures, and I'm tired of that feeling I get when I look at myself in a picture with other people and actually realize that I look like I weigh 190 pounds. It's not just about how I look, though. I'm not a shallow person. I don't necessarily want a toned body. I'm not worried about losing weight so that more people will be attracted to me. I'm tired of hating myself for not being healthy. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of seeing myself as the fat friend, even if no one sees me that way. And here is how they are related: I'm tired of closing myself off to people because I can't stop imagining that they MUST be thinking that I look horrible in this outfit. They must think this shirt looks disgusting on me, right? They have to be thinking that it's too tight. God, did I even look at myself in the mirror before I left? Why did I wear this? I should go home and change. Quick, think of an excuse to go home for just a second. Oh lord, they've been talking to me this whole time. Do you think they've noticed that I'm not paying attention at all? Do you think they think less of me because I clearly can't take control? I clearly can't stick to a diet, or stick to working out. And that's usually how the night progesses, until I get drunk enough to forget how upset I am with myself. And then I get home and I may cry a bit because I realize that I just spent an entire evening not making friends, not being sociable, not being able to make conversation and I may not havae even really seemed interested- all because I can't stop judging myself.

Now, let me clarify, I am not depressed. I do NOT suffer from depression. I am very happy with where I am in my life right now. There is just this one aspect that I am tired of (if you didn't catch that from the previous paragraph) and this leads me to my explanation of why I'm suddenly, really, truely, deeply ready to commit to a resolution, or two. In February of 2011, I met this girl named Kelsy. And this girl Kelsy has made me feel things that I have never expected to feel. I've loved people before and I've been overly ecstatic about new girlfriends before, but none of them have made me feel beautiful. None of them have made me realize that I am in fact an amazing person. None of them have looked at me the way Kelsy looks at me, or kissed me the way she does, or held my hand the way she does, or taken care of me the way she does. None of them have seemed more interested in me and my feelings than their own, like she does. And to turn the tables, I have never looked at them the way I look at her. I have never cared more about someones feelings than I care about this girls. I have never wanted to care for someone for the rest of my life, the way that I want to care for her. Most relative to the subject at hand, though, I have never been jealous of a previous girlfriend's character the way I am jealous of Kelsy. Kelsy has no insecurities that hold her back the way mine hold me back. This girl can walk into any situation and come out of it having met a new friend. I love her for this. I love that I can introduce her to my family without any worries. I love that she can make conversation with an uncle of mine who I am usually searching for something to say to, or just avoiding conversation with all together. I don't know what to say to her mother. I don't know how to make conversation with her sisters. I worry about having to meet more of her family and turning out to be a disappointment because I seem antisocial. And after reading all of this, you may believe I am antisocial. But I know that I am not. I know that once I feel comfortable around someone, I can start converstation and carry a conversation and not feel the tiniest bit of anxiety. It's the "getting comfortable" part of the process that really stops me in my tracks, and this is all because I can't for one second, for one night, for one dinner with Kelsy's family, just stop judging my body, my weight, and thus, in one big blow to my overall emotional well-being, I can't stop judging my SELF.

So, in conclusion, I vow to Kelsy, to her family, to all of the friends that I want to keep as well as make, but most importantly I vow to myself to finally be happier and more secure with my own personality, and this starts with losing 50 pounds worth of self-loathing. I'm finally in a position to do this. I finally have someone who will back me no matter what. I have not only a secure environment, but a blissful one as well. I have an amazing family. I have wonderful friends. I have an education, I have a job. I no longer have room for excuses. I can't blame school or work or bad girlfriends. Everything is in place. 2011 brought me my motivation in the form of a degree, a career, and above all my Kelsy. 2012 will bring my success and inner peace. I have no doubt.

I graduate in a month

And I am terrified! I don't wanna grow up! My sister told me I need to get serious and start looking for jobs but is it bad that I really just want to enjoy summer and then start looking? Am I lazy? Or do I just not care enough. I don't know which it is. I feel like I'm over-confident about the job situation. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter how long I wait, I'll be able to find one eventually. And that is what scares me. I'm nervous that I'm being too nonchalant about everything! It doesn't help that my mom is practically begging me to stay home either. I just can't say no to that woman, she's too cute!

P.S. I'm so unbelievably happy right now (minus the stressful graduation stuff)

Sister Shebby :)

Shelby is without a doubt my favorite person in the entire world. She's the best sister I could ever ask for. We used to fight a ton when we were little, but I feel like that's common among sisters. Now, though, I can honestly say she is my best friend. We don't talk very often, but we don't need to. We have a bond that can't be described in words. She was one of the first people that I actually "came out of the closet" to, and her response was "I know, Jordan. I've known since you were 5 years old and helped dad mow the lawn with your shirt off". haha She is the greatest. She even has told boyfriends that if they have a problem with her sister being gay, their relationship won't work. She is my backbone. She factors into so many decisions that I make. Her advice is the advice I keep closest to heart.

She is gorgeous, driven, talented, kind, funny and supportive. She is everything I could ask for in a sister, and I honestly don't know who I would be without her. She has made me who I am today. I love her more than I could ever explain.

She is what drives me to be a better person. I will always admire her.

I want to dance to this song at my wedding.

Wake-up Call

Awake to the continual beeping of your alarm clock that sits on the machine-painted, fake-wood nightstand and hit the alarm button. Remove the first, second and third layer of sheets and blankets. Slip on your night shoes to protect your fragile feet from the bitter cold floor. Twist the knobs of your glass-room shower and adjust them to the perfect water temperature. Shampoo, rinse. Condition, rinse. Soap, rinse. If it’s a good day, shave. Power off the water with a simple turn. Grab the towel hanging from your metal towel rack, positioned conveniently at the perfect spot inside your glass-room shower so that the water does not reach it even when it is deflected from your body.  Dry body. Wrap body in towel. Brush your teeth with your automatic toothbrush, powered by a rechargeable battery that requires little movement of the hand to guarantee a satisfactory cleaning. Put on underwear, and then pants. Put on undershirt, and then button-up shirt. Spend 5 minutes fixing your tie. Apply product to hair so that it is presentable. Put on freshly-shined shoes. Grab coat. Pass your coffee maker and fridge on the way to the garage. Get into your 4-door SUV.  Stop at Starbucks for coffee poured by someone whose name is unknown. Go ahead, get a piece of coffee cake. Put your Bluetooth in your ear so that you never miss a call, not even in the thirty minutes it takes to get to work. Sit through meetings. Make presentations. Flirt with secretaries. Leave for lunch, don’t forget your Bluetooth! Stop at a restaurant that somehow produces a burger in 3 minutes. Super-size it. Return to work, watch the clock until 5. Leave work (Bluetooth!). Come home to a meal cooked by your wife. Grab a beer from the fridge. Eat your dinner, ask about your wife’s day, ask about your kid's day, think about work, watch TV. Undo your tie, throw your clothes in the plastic laundry basket. “Brush” your teeth again. Wash your face. Change into your pajamas. Set your alarm. Maybe have sex. Go to sleep, in your nice white-picket fence suburban home built from a cookie cutter so as to make it difficult to stand out.

Wake up the next day to news of a tsunami killing thousands and thousands of people, and I hope you will rethink your humdrum life. I hope you will try to feel something genuine.