There is always tomorrow

Kelsy just said she wanted to go to bed and it made me want to cry.

In the morning, I'll go to work. And I'll be in a really good mood all day at work. I will smile and have fun and genuinely enjoy everyone and how they contribute to my day. And then I'll get excited about going home to see Kelsy.

Work will usually fly by. Then, I'll get in my car, and drive away from my office, and start to pick apart my day. The conversations I had, my coworkers perceptions of me, my actions- do these people like what I contribute to THEIR day?

And then I'll get home. I will kiss Kelsy and I will love her. And then she will want to watch tv, I will want a beer, we will pet and play with Beauford.

I will think to myself: "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will start writing."

Then I'll go to sleep.

I will wake up, see that I have zero text messages, wonder if people think of me, get ready. Then do you know what I'll do?

I'll leave for work.

Making Progress

Well, It's nearly the end of the first month of the new year, and I've lost 3 pounds. That may no longer be the case though, considering I drunkenly caved last night and got Whataburger. We will see how much that burger added on when I weigh at the gym later. The eating healthy part isn't as hard as the working out part. I told myself I need to workout at least 4 times a week, and so far I haven't done that. One week I worked out twice, and another week I didn't even work out once. This week I've worked out twice and I'm about to go tonight so that will be the closest I get to 4 so far. But hey, progress right?

2012- A Beginning Rather than an End

The headlines crowding newspapers and webpages encouraging people to find out "What will be cheaper in 2012" or "What horoscopes are better in 2012" really don't concern me, but I mention them only to make the point that several people are excited to bring in a new year. Such headlines, Facebook status posts, and general public interest is custom to a new year- especially the new year of 2000. (Does everyone remember counting down the clock on December 31st, 1999, and wondering if there would actually be a January 1st, 2000?) However, there is something about this year that is even more inspiring for me. Yes, the Mayans as well as several Mayan followers believe that the end of the Mayan calendar on December 21st, 2012 will mark the end of the world as we know it. I don't buy into this, as I'm not one for carrying strong beliefs without some solid, ground-breaking, scientific, number-packed evidence. Even though I don't believe that around mid-december we're all going to vanish or fly into the sky or evolve as people (the theories these Mayan-followers have are insurmountable), I do have my own plans, or resolutions, for 2012 that I have more drive and more optimism for than I have had for any other resolution I've ever made. Well, I did make the resolution in 2010 that I would grow my hair out and donate it to Locks of Love, which I'm still working on by the way. I really didn't expect that resolution to take so long, but is growing out hair really that hard of work? For the sole purpose of sticking to one subject, I will just say that no, it is not that hard to grow out hair and now I will lead up to perhaps why my 2012 resolution is more monumental for me than any previous resolution. Let me first tell you what that resolution, or really those resolutions, are. I at first say "resolution" because, while there are in fact 2 ideas, I believe they are extremely related to one another. They are: To lose 50 pounds before January 31st, 2013 (sooner if possible, or course) and To be an overall better person (this includes being nicer to people, being more open to people, and not being so insecure). 

Why are these things related to the extent that I itemize them as one huge obstacle? Well, this seems obvious to me but perhaps it may not be to you, so I'll explain anyway. Weight has always been an issue for me. Even at the age of 18 and weighing 140 pounds and not really being "fat", I felt way too big for comfort. I look back of pictures of me at that weight and that age and that shape, and I can't help but feel so stupid for the thoughts I had about myself at that time. I weigh 50 pounds more than that now. That's right, I weigh 190 pounds. It hurts me to actually publicize that information for all to read. But I need to confront it. I need to confront how unhappy I am with myself and with the "eating disorder" that I really do believe I have. I don't starve myself, obviously, and I don't force myself to throw up after meals. My disorder is more of an addiction, in that I can't say no to certain types of food. Greasy, unhealthy, fattening foods. I crave something and then I can't for the life of me overcome that craving. This has been a huge problem in every diet that I've ever embarked on. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of dreading summer because I'm terrified to be cornered into a situation where I have to wear a bathing suit, because it's better to be the "fun" friend and actually go swimming rather than stay at home because I don't want to be seen without at least a layer of clothing. I'm tired of avoiding pictures, and I'm tired of that feeling I get when I look at myself in a picture with other people and actually realize that I look like I weigh 190 pounds. It's not just about how I look, though. I'm not a shallow person. I don't necessarily want a toned body. I'm not worried about losing weight so that more people will be attracted to me. I'm tired of hating myself for not being healthy. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of seeing myself as the fat friend, even if no one sees me that way. And here is how they are related: I'm tired of closing myself off to people because I can't stop imagining that they MUST be thinking that I look horrible in this outfit. They must think this shirt looks disgusting on me, right? They have to be thinking that it's too tight. God, did I even look at myself in the mirror before I left? Why did I wear this? I should go home and change. Quick, think of an excuse to go home for just a second. Oh lord, they've been talking to me this whole time. Do you think they've noticed that I'm not paying attention at all? Do you think they think less of me because I clearly can't take control? I clearly can't stick to a diet, or stick to working out. And that's usually how the night progesses, until I get drunk enough to forget how upset I am with myself. And then I get home and I may cry a bit because I realize that I just spent an entire evening not making friends, not being sociable, not being able to make conversation and I may not havae even really seemed interested- all because I can't stop judging myself.

Now, let me clarify, I am not depressed. I do NOT suffer from depression. I am very happy with where I am in my life right now. There is just this one aspect that I am tired of (if you didn't catch that from the previous paragraph) and this leads me to my explanation of why I'm suddenly, really, truely, deeply ready to commit to a resolution, or two. In February of 2011, I met this girl named Kelsy. And this girl Kelsy has made me feel things that I have never expected to feel. I've loved people before and I've been overly ecstatic about new girlfriends before, but none of them have made me feel beautiful. None of them have made me realize that I am in fact an amazing person. None of them have looked at me the way Kelsy looks at me, or kissed me the way she does, or held my hand the way she does, or taken care of me the way she does. None of them have seemed more interested in me and my feelings than their own, like she does. And to turn the tables, I have never looked at them the way I look at her. I have never cared more about someones feelings than I care about this girls. I have never wanted to care for someone for the rest of my life, the way that I want to care for her. Most relative to the subject at hand, though, I have never been jealous of a previous girlfriend's character the way I am jealous of Kelsy. Kelsy has no insecurities that hold her back the way mine hold me back. This girl can walk into any situation and come out of it having met a new friend. I love her for this. I love that I can introduce her to my family without any worries. I love that she can make conversation with an uncle of mine who I am usually searching for something to say to, or just avoiding conversation with all together. I don't know what to say to her mother. I don't know how to make conversation with her sisters. I worry about having to meet more of her family and turning out to be a disappointment because I seem antisocial. And after reading all of this, you may believe I am antisocial. But I know that I am not. I know that once I feel comfortable around someone, I can start converstation and carry a conversation and not feel the tiniest bit of anxiety. It's the "getting comfortable" part of the process that really stops me in my tracks, and this is all because I can't for one second, for one night, for one dinner with Kelsy's family, just stop judging my body, my weight, and thus, in one big blow to my overall emotional well-being, I can't stop judging my SELF.

So, in conclusion, I vow to Kelsy, to her family, to all of the friends that I want to keep as well as make, but most importantly I vow to myself to finally be happier and more secure with my own personality, and this starts with losing 50 pounds worth of self-loathing. I'm finally in a position to do this. I finally have someone who will back me no matter what. I have not only a secure environment, but a blissful one as well. I have an amazing family. I have wonderful friends. I have an education, I have a job. I no longer have room for excuses. I can't blame school or work or bad girlfriends. Everything is in place. 2011 brought me my motivation in the form of a degree, a career, and above all my Kelsy. 2012 will bring my success and inner peace. I have no doubt.

I graduate in a month

And I am terrified! I don't wanna grow up! My sister told me I need to get serious and start looking for jobs but is it bad that I really just want to enjoy summer and then start looking? Am I lazy? Or do I just not care enough. I don't know which it is. I feel like I'm over-confident about the job situation. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter how long I wait, I'll be able to find one eventually. And that is what scares me. I'm nervous that I'm being too nonchalant about everything! It doesn't help that my mom is practically begging me to stay home either. I just can't say no to that woman, she's too cute!

P.S. I'm so unbelievably happy right now (minus the stressful graduation stuff)

Sister Shebby :)

Shelby is without a doubt my favorite person in the entire world. She's the best sister I could ever ask for. We used to fight a ton when we were little, but I feel like that's common among sisters. Now, though, I can honestly say she is my best friend. We don't talk very often, but we don't need to. We have a bond that can't be described in words. She was one of the first people that I actually "came out of the closet" to, and her response was "I know, Jordan. I've known since you were 5 years old and helped dad mow the lawn with your shirt off". haha She is the greatest. She even has told boyfriends that if they have a problem with her sister being gay, their relationship won't work. She is my backbone. She factors into so many decisions that I make. Her advice is the advice I keep closest to heart.

She is gorgeous, driven, talented, kind, funny and supportive. She is everything I could ask for in a sister, and I honestly don't know who I would be without her. She has made me who I am today. I love her more than I could ever explain.

She is what drives me to be a better person. I will always admire her.

I want to dance to this song at my wedding.

Wake-up Call

Awake to the continual beeping of your alarm clock that sits on the machine-painted, fake-wood nightstand and hit the alarm button. Remove the first, second and third layer of sheets and blankets. Slip on your night shoes to protect your fragile feet from the bitter cold floor. Twist the knobs of your glass-room shower and adjust them to the perfect water temperature. Shampoo, rinse. Condition, rinse. Soap, rinse. If it’s a good day, shave. Power off the water with a simple turn. Grab the towel hanging from your metal towel rack, positioned conveniently at the perfect spot inside your glass-room shower so that the water does not reach it even when it is deflected from your body.  Dry body. Wrap body in towel. Brush your teeth with your automatic toothbrush, powered by a rechargeable battery that requires little movement of the hand to guarantee a satisfactory cleaning. Put on underwear, and then pants. Put on undershirt, and then button-up shirt. Spend 5 minutes fixing your tie. Apply product to hair so that it is presentable. Put on freshly-shined shoes. Grab coat. Pass your coffee maker and fridge on the way to the garage. Get into your 4-door SUV.  Stop at Starbucks for coffee poured by someone whose name is unknown. Go ahead, get a piece of coffee cake. Put your Bluetooth in your ear so that you never miss a call, not even in the thirty minutes it takes to get to work. Sit through meetings. Make presentations. Flirt with secretaries. Leave for lunch, don’t forget your Bluetooth! Stop at a restaurant that somehow produces a burger in 3 minutes. Super-size it. Return to work, watch the clock until 5. Leave work (Bluetooth!). Come home to a meal cooked by your wife. Grab a beer from the fridge. Eat your dinner, ask about your wife’s day, ask about your kid's day, think about work, watch TV. Undo your tie, throw your clothes in the plastic laundry basket. “Brush” your teeth again. Wash your face. Change into your pajamas. Set your alarm. Maybe have sex. Go to sleep, in your nice white-picket fence suburban home built from a cookie cutter so as to make it difficult to stand out.

Wake up the next day to news of a tsunami killing thousands and thousands of people, and I hope you will rethink your humdrum life. I hope you will try to feel something genuine.

Girls are exhausting

My romantic view of relationships has turned remarkably cynical. So, if I were to go an extremely extended period of time without entering into another one, I would be one happy girl. But seriously, what is the point. Nothing lasts forever. That's not pessimistic, that's realistic..so get it straight. Also, for the record, I am not NOT not heartbroken over my recent break up. I am upset, but if you were to ask me about two months after we first started dating if I genuinely thought it would last, my answer would have either been "I hope so" or "probably not". I knew in the beginning that there was already too much going against us. I just lied to myself. I loved her, don't get me wrong, but I tricked myself into thinking there was something I could do to make everything work. I suppose that may be the case with many relationships, and that is exactly the reason why I refuse to jump into another one. Perhaps one day I'll decide it's time to settle down -actually I can almost guarantee that will happen- but that will be after I've started my career and I'm living on my own, doing the things I want to do FOR MYSELF.

Dating is okay, though...maybe...

Relationships

They make me laugh.


on another note:

they are best friends and that makes me happy. i love them.

Growing Up

I'm starting to get to know myself. And it's difficult. I've realized that I am always in relationships where I depend on the success of the relationship to make me happy. I'm slowly starting to figure out that maybe if I find happiness by myself first, the relationship will be successful and thus produce more happiness. Get it? I'm not good with words lately, hence the lack of blogging. I need to find my voice again or something.

I can't stop listening to this song.

Dear the God with all the ultimatums

(i.e. "Believe in me or go to Hell", "Say 'God Damn' and go to Hell", etc) I'm tired of all the requirements. So here's an ultimatum for you: Give us another snow day tomorrow (aka Thursday) and then maybe I'll give Church another chance. You gotta give some to receive some, big guy.

Sincerely,
Jordan Snapka (the one who lives in Texas and goes to UTA...that should narrow it down)

P.S. this was a joke. but I would like another snow day tomorrow.

So it turns out...

In order to start changing the way I eat, I needed to change the way I thought about food. And thus far, it's working :) So to all of you trying to eat better and feel better, stop focusing on what you put in your mouth (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID), and start focusing on how important food is to you. What I mean is that, before my mindset changed, food was far too important. Like... to an unhealthy degree.

That's all for now. I have to go listen to a beautiful lady talk about advertising.

Winter Break has been really nice

But I'm ready for my last semester to start.

I'm seriously obsessed with her.

Love Me if You Dare

La Vie en Rose

Nine

Inception



I kind of disappeared.

Didn't I?

Well, I passed all of my classes. So I'm completely relieved about that. I no longer work at my sucky job, just Best Buy now :) and I love it! That one girl (that I mention a lot on here) and I have started dating again. Because really, I love her, she loves me, we only get to live once so what is the fucking point of being so serious all the time. I trust her deep down, she trusts me deep down. We just need to drop the past because, honestly, that's all it is. I was (and I say this in the most dramatic fashion) scarred from my last relationship when I started dating her and that took a toll on how I treated her. And I'm owning up to that. She is also owning up to how badly she treated me from time to time, and we're moving on from it. But, remember, we are just dating. DATING. We are not together. There is still a chance it won't work. But I'm confident. We're keeping it simple and innocent. I've received a few negative responses to the news of our "fresh start at dating", but overall, my friends have been very VERY supportive. And I'm very thankful for that. I'm in a much better place right now. And I truly believe that, if it doesn't work out between us this time around, I'll respond to it in a much healthier way than I did with previous break-ups, because I know I had the chance to make it better. I know I gave it my all to make it work. And if my all didn't cut it, then it just wasn't supposed to be.

:)

i miss you kris

Two Weeks

I put in my 2 weeks at one of my jobs yesterday. I've worked there for 5 years now. Maybe 4 and a half, but we'll say 5. It's so surreal. There are so many things about leaving that job that are going to change my  life. The biggest thing that comes to mind (and you can tell if you look at pictures of me from five years ago up until now, and see how much weight I've gained through the years of working there) is that having food was never a problem for me. I was always guaranteed a meal, or five. I never worried about money for food. I could always eat for free (probably wasn't technically allowed but I did it). It's going to be so weird going to study and having to pay for coffee, or a sandwich, or a tea. I know to most people that sounds so stupid, but seriously, it's the truth. I've become majorly spoiled working there. When I lived alone for year, the only way I survived on my income was by getting free meals from work. Also, it's going to be weird leaving all the drama of that place behind. But I'm sure working more at my other job will reveal the drama at that company as well. Anyway, the reason I'm bringing this up is because I'm at the restaurant right now, studying, and I KNOW my boss has seen my letter, and he hasn't said one word to me about it. He came outside while I was taking a smoke break with one of the workers, and he didn't even look at me. It reiterates my reason for leaving even more, and that is that he is completely unfit to own a business. No exit interview? Or even more so, no acknowledgement of losing a very valued employee? Does he see how he makes his employees feel? Ridiculous. I just think it's amusing that in every management class I've taken in which the professor has outlined necessary qualities a person must possess in order to run a business ethically and efficiently, I've always thought about him and his failing managerial processes. It should also be acknowledged, in order to defend myself in a postion of management at that company, that he is a sexist. And perhaps an agist? Age-ist? Is that even a word? I'll explain. Everytime he would need help with managerial decisions, he would ask one of the male managers (who were hired years after me) or contact one of the former managers (who was also a woman, but in her forties instead of her twenties) for advice. Hi, my name is Jordan and I'm about to graduate from UTA with a degree in Business Management, and I have ideas that you are missing out on because you think a man, or a woman who didn't go to college but who has worked from job to job longer than I have, will know more.

Good riddance.

Just Dance - Lady GaGa (Cover) feat. jensuxxx

She is so beautiful.

Kmo/teddybear/kris Inspires Me

(not in any particular order, I love them all for different reasons)

Favorite movies:

• Fight Club
• Black Swan
• Inception
• (500) Days of Summer
• Love Me if You Dare (French title: Jeux d'enfants, which translates to "Children's games")

Favorite music:

• Sigur Ros
• Kid Cudi
• Glee
• Crystal Castles
• Metric

Favorite books:

• Poisonwood Bible
• Life of Pi
• Great Gatsby
• Kite Runner
• Into the Wild

 I know the books will change once I graduate and read more :)

Confession Lacking Detail

I'm talking with one of my best friends, Ashley. About depressing things that I will not go into detail about because I don't want to cry in public. But I will just say this. I can say with every ounce of truth that the only thought that came into heavy consideration when I was contemplating going to college was my mom, and what would happen to her and my dad when I started to grow up with my own family.

Take that for what it is. I'm not going to explain it.

I love my mom more than anything.

One of the many things I don't understand

 I don't know why, but for some reason, when I hear people speaking French, my mouth starts watering. I think it's because the first movie I saw where there was an abundance of the language was Inglourious Basterds, and at one scene (the one in the picture above), Hans Landa is sitting in a restaurant eating a pastry of some sort with cream on top of it, and the way he says the name of the pastry and the way he describes it just sounds so delicious. I love pastries. But anyway, it more than likely has something to do with the way the language is spoken. I've never studied it, but I can tell (especially when he says the word for "cream") that they have to use a lot of the muscles that are near the back of the throat, where the mouth starts to water. So when I watched "Love Me if you Dare", which is definitely my favorite foreign film, or Amélie (which I just watched and thus the reason for this post), my mouth started producing saliva like crazyyyy and I really wanted a puff-pastry. It really makes me want to study French. I took 4 years of Spanish, and I have the language down pretty well. There are a lot of similiarites between the two languages, so perhaps I should give it a go.

Speaking of foreign films, I love the way French movies are filmed; how sometimes they'll show scenes of the main character watching television or a movie in which the character themself is starring. Basically, it's as if the character is watching their own life in action. There is a scene in (500) Days of Summer where they use this specific form of filming. I'm not sure if they're poking fun at the method or just using it to put a different spin on the movie as a whole, but I'm hoping for the latter because I love it.

Also, not only do languages make my mouth water, but sometimes words do, too. Examples are "flan" and "custard". I don't know why, seeing as how I've only had "flan" once (and it's a type of "custard"), and I barely remember it. This obviously proves it wasn't particularly delicious.

That's my random update for the day.