I'm seriously obsessed with her.

Love Me if You Dare

La Vie en Rose

Nine

Inception



I kind of disappeared.

Didn't I?

Well, I passed all of my classes. So I'm completely relieved about that. I no longer work at my sucky job, just Best Buy now :) and I love it! That one girl (that I mention a lot on here) and I have started dating again. Because really, I love her, she loves me, we only get to live once so what is the fucking point of being so serious all the time. I trust her deep down, she trusts me deep down. We just need to drop the past because, honestly, that's all it is. I was (and I say this in the most dramatic fashion) scarred from my last relationship when I started dating her and that took a toll on how I treated her. And I'm owning up to that. She is also owning up to how badly she treated me from time to time, and we're moving on from it. But, remember, we are just dating. DATING. We are not together. There is still a chance it won't work. But I'm confident. We're keeping it simple and innocent. I've received a few negative responses to the news of our "fresh start at dating", but overall, my friends have been very VERY supportive. And I'm very thankful for that. I'm in a much better place right now. And I truly believe that, if it doesn't work out between us this time around, I'll respond to it in a much healthier way than I did with previous break-ups, because I know I had the chance to make it better. I know I gave it my all to make it work. And if my all didn't cut it, then it just wasn't supposed to be.

:)

i miss you kris

Two Weeks

I put in my 2 weeks at one of my jobs yesterday. I've worked there for 5 years now. Maybe 4 and a half, but we'll say 5. It's so surreal. There are so many things about leaving that job that are going to change my  life. The biggest thing that comes to mind (and you can tell if you look at pictures of me from five years ago up until now, and see how much weight I've gained through the years of working there) is that having food was never a problem for me. I was always guaranteed a meal, or five. I never worried about money for food. I could always eat for free (probably wasn't technically allowed but I did it). It's going to be so weird going to study and having to pay for coffee, or a sandwich, or a tea. I know to most people that sounds so stupid, but seriously, it's the truth. I've become majorly spoiled working there. When I lived alone for year, the only way I survived on my income was by getting free meals from work. Also, it's going to be weird leaving all the drama of that place behind. But I'm sure working more at my other job will reveal the drama at that company as well. Anyway, the reason I'm bringing this up is because I'm at the restaurant right now, studying, and I KNOW my boss has seen my letter, and he hasn't said one word to me about it. He came outside while I was taking a smoke break with one of the workers, and he didn't even look at me. It reiterates my reason for leaving even more, and that is that he is completely unfit to own a business. No exit interview? Or even more so, no acknowledgement of losing a very valued employee? Does he see how he makes his employees feel? Ridiculous. I just think it's amusing that in every management class I've taken in which the professor has outlined necessary qualities a person must possess in order to run a business ethically and efficiently, I've always thought about him and his failing managerial processes. It should also be acknowledged, in order to defend myself in a postion of management at that company, that he is a sexist. And perhaps an agist? Age-ist? Is that even a word? I'll explain. Everytime he would need help with managerial decisions, he would ask one of the male managers (who were hired years after me) or contact one of the former managers (who was also a woman, but in her forties instead of her twenties) for advice. Hi, my name is Jordan and I'm about to graduate from UTA with a degree in Business Management, and I have ideas that you are missing out on because you think a man, or a woman who didn't go to college but who has worked from job to job longer than I have, will know more.

Good riddance.

Just Dance - Lady GaGa (Cover) feat. jensuxxx

She is so beautiful.

Kmo/teddybear/kris Inspires Me

(not in any particular order, I love them all for different reasons)

Favorite movies:

• Fight Club
• Black Swan
• Inception
• (500) Days of Summer
• Love Me if You Dare (French title: Jeux d'enfants, which translates to "Children's games")

Favorite music:

• Sigur Ros
• Kid Cudi
• Glee
• Crystal Castles
• Metric

Favorite books:

• Poisonwood Bible
• Life of Pi
• Great Gatsby
• Kite Runner
• Into the Wild

 I know the books will change once I graduate and read more :)

Confession Lacking Detail

I'm talking with one of my best friends, Ashley. About depressing things that I will not go into detail about because I don't want to cry in public. But I will just say this. I can say with every ounce of truth that the only thought that came into heavy consideration when I was contemplating going to college was my mom, and what would happen to her and my dad when I started to grow up with my own family.

Take that for what it is. I'm not going to explain it.

I love my mom more than anything.

One of the many things I don't understand

 I don't know why, but for some reason, when I hear people speaking French, my mouth starts watering. I think it's because the first movie I saw where there was an abundance of the language was Inglourious Basterds, and at one scene (the one in the picture above), Hans Landa is sitting in a restaurant eating a pastry of some sort with cream on top of it, and the way he says the name of the pastry and the way he describes it just sounds so delicious. I love pastries. But anyway, it more than likely has something to do with the way the language is spoken. I've never studied it, but I can tell (especially when he says the word for "cream") that they have to use a lot of the muscles that are near the back of the throat, where the mouth starts to water. So when I watched "Love Me if you Dare", which is definitely my favorite foreign film, or Amélie (which I just watched and thus the reason for this post), my mouth started producing saliva like crazyyyy and I really wanted a puff-pastry. It really makes me want to study French. I took 4 years of Spanish, and I have the language down pretty well. There are a lot of similiarites between the two languages, so perhaps I should give it a go.

Speaking of foreign films, I love the way French movies are filmed; how sometimes they'll show scenes of the main character watching television or a movie in which the character themself is starring. Basically, it's as if the character is watching their own life in action. There is a scene in (500) Days of Summer where they use this specific form of filming. I'm not sure if they're poking fun at the method or just using it to put a different spin on the movie as a whole, but I'm hoping for the latter because I love it.

Also, not only do languages make my mouth water, but sometimes words do, too. Examples are "flan" and "custard". I don't know why, seeing as how I've only had "flan" once (and it's a type of "custard"), and I barely remember it. This obviously proves it wasn't particularly delicious.

That's my random update for the day.

I'm ready to start dating.

I've only recently haulted all contact with my last ex, but I really feel like it's time. You have to understand that even though we haven't talked in only about 2 weeks (it will be 2 weeks tomorrow), the break up has actually been a much longer process. Let's go through the steps so that you understand that I really am ready.

Steps of a break up
Step 1: One or both of the involved parties decides to end the relationship.
It is a little hard to pinpoint who exactly ended it. If you were to get technical, you could probably say that I did. I broke up with her officially. But it was more as a threat, as a warning that if she didn't change, it would be over. But of course it wasn't. Me actually telling her "I don't want to be with you" (oh, empty threats) really happened several months ago. Yet, we continued to talk, sex, kiss, love eachother up until 2 weeks ago. Oh, and of course, we continued to fight. But I really believe that she was actually the person to end it. She was the first to say (and actually mean) that it was time to move on, that we needed to date others, that we were over. I persisted, and though I truly knew that we weren't healthy for eachother, and though I told her that I couldn't be with her, I didn't stop talking to her.

Step 2: The person who was broken up with finally asserts that it's time to move on.
Had I not, 2 weeks ago, decided that yes, it was time, we would still be talking. I would still be involved in a relationship that wasn't really a relationship at all. Confusing? I know, I'm trying to explain as perfectly as possible. She would still be dating and sexing other people, and I would still be committed to trying to make it work, to trying to still share something with her. But seriously, it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. We got into a fight the night of Thanksgiving. It was just a typical fight, like we always have, but something woke up inside of me and said "Do not say anything rash. End the converstaion, think it over, and then decide what to do". Typically, I would just say that I didn't want to talk to her anymore, that I was done (something stupid that I didn't mean), go to sleep, and then wake up and text her/receive a text from her. But this time I simply said "Goodnight", went to sleep, woke up and for once truly felt that I did NOT want to continue the downward spiral that we were in. I told her I finally agreed it was time to move on, she cussed me out per usual, and that was the last of it.

Step 3: Confronting loneliness
This needs no explanation, really. I didn't talk to her for 2 weeks, we were over. It was hard to not have someone to text, but I did it. And now I'm totally fine without it. It took a lot of nights crying in my bed, talking with friends, and drinking lots of alcohol. But it's done. I have no desire to talk to her. I, of course, wonder how she is doing. But even that isn't enough to get me to text her. I still love her, and as is the case with most break ups, part of me will always love her. But she doesn't have all of me anymore.

So now it's time for Step 4: Moving on. I'm ready to move on. I'm not saying the next person I date will be the person I marry. But it's always good to have experience under your belt. I put that in the most emotionless way possible, haha.

I Dreamed a Dream

And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

Wednesday 12/1

Breakfast
wheat wrap with egg, turkey and cheese=145+80+100+70

Lunch
Turkey sandwich on honeywheat bread with provolone cheese=110+100+70

Dinner
Cup of beef chili=?
3 Bud lights=110+110+110

Total
1,005, without the chili.

My limit today was 1757. That is 752 calories above what I was able to count, but I'm sure the chili helped add up to that. Plus the beers were draft, so they were probably a little larger than the 110 calorie serving.

Tuesday 11/30

Breakfast
Oatmeal=110

Mid-morning snack to get me through class :)
Blueberry muffin=200

Late Lunch
Lean cuisine pizza and light ranch=350+70
Salad + salad dressing=110

Dinner
Chicken breast=250
salad + light salad dressing=70

Dessert(right after dinner)
Lo-fat ice cream sandwich=150

Misc.
coors light and pretzels=110+100

Total
1,520

Again, the goal today was 1464. I went a little over but I think I did pretty well :) Tomorrow I get more calories to work with!



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