So, I promised to update about the gay convo, and while I am aware it's been quite a few days since I promised that, I only have 2 readers so I doubt I offended either of you by waiting so long.
Quick Recap: My mother found out about me being gay in a very bad way. She walked in on me kissing a girl when I was 15 and I think it goes without explanation that she didn't react so well. This happened around the time that my best friend had just told one her friends that I was gay and the grapevine effect came into play at school. Also, I had just recently admitted to myself that I was gay, so it was a pretty rough part of my life. The way my mother acted towards me changed dramatically. She wasn't rude, she was just distant. She cried everytime she saw me for a good 3-4 weeks after finding out, and then just kind of shut off towards me. We still talked, but the conversations were just kind of empty. I could tell she was trying to avoid the subject. She referred to my girlfriends as "friends". She never asked about them. She never talked about it. At all.
And then, last monday, we went to Pei Wei for dinner because my dad was out of town. We were talking about how they met and what it was like in the beginning. By the way, they have a perfect relationship. She told me they never really fought, they both genuinely wanted the other to be happy, she could tell that he loved her more than anything, etc. I then told her that I feel like they set a pretty high standard for me to live up to when it comes to relationships, because they are SO perfect, and then it was like a volcano exploded inside of our relationship and everything we've wanted to say since she walked in when I was 15 just poured out of us. She started with "I just hope the woman you end up with treats you well". Okay, she has never said "woman" before. She has never acknowledged that I would end up with a female. The conversation went on and she said that basically all of my family knew, that my grandma wanted to talk to me about it because I've seemed distant (um, I'm distant because I'm young and am pretty much always thinking about being with my friends, though that's actually been changing recently), told me she was sorry it was so rough in the beginning, that it makes her nervous when I date "straight girls" (she has never used the terms straight or gay, not to me at least), that I should wait to find a person who is sure in themself and how that might not happen until I'm 30 or so because when you're "normal it's so much easier" (this offended me at first, but she is old fashioned and doesn't know that it hurt my feelings so I let it go), and that if any family or friends ever have a problem with it, she will always side with me. She then went on to say that she had always seen the signs that I was gay but that she just made excuses for it. She also asked the question she asked the day she found out: "Does this have anything to do with the depression period you went through?". Her asking it again was eye opening, and I don't know if I didn't realize the connection because I just blocked it out or what, but I suddenly realized that the two events were definitely related. I was taking out my confusion and anger about realizing I was gay on myself, in the form of self-mutilation. Anyway, I told her about Kris and Tyf and Kari and everything. It was just so relieving to finally get it out, to finally be able to talk about me being gay without it being awkward.
I tend to over-analyze things, and for the sake of getting out of that habit, I'm not going to analyze how this conversation related to me overcoming the alternate attitude I've had for the past year and a half or more, but it did, and that's all that matters to me.
Phew, that was a lot to try to remember. I should have written this right after, when it was fresh on my mind.
Oh, by the way, the other night I was at dinner with some friends and one of them brought up the fact that I had been kind of actually talking/considering talking to a boy, and said something along the lines of "that was really weird" in a very judgemental tone. This person is gay, and it REALLY really upset me that someone who knows what it's like to be judged for the way they think was able to have such a strong criticism of my actions/thoughts. I try really hard not to judge people, because you NEVER can truly understand the situation that the person is going through. Everyone has motives for what they do and how they think. Do you think that I understand why I've been recently considering dating a boy? NO. Of course I don't. But I can't HELP that I'm thinking that. It doesn't change who I am as a person. I'm not downgrading myself, I'm not changing to fit a stereotype. STOP LETTING BEING GAY DEFINE WHO YOU ARE, PEOPLE. Hi, I'm Jordan, and I'm also a lesbian. I'm not Jordan the lesbian.
If this is ridden with errors, I'm sorry. I just don't feel like going back and checking for mistakes :)
No comments:
Post a Comment